honi soi que maly pense

yes ... i'm a blogger truant and a number of friends have expressed that they are suffering from blogger deprivation disorder so after almost six month of absenteeism | i have returned

get your face out of my coconut ruff . . .

. . . how exquisite it is when the unwritten intellectual & experiential intimacies between two people can reduce them to hopeless uncontrollable laughter & mirth with statements such as the above | we spent many a moment in mirth ... | a partner & mate who can still break me up into side splitting laughter is a treasure beyond definition

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it is said that context is everything | & this weekend through to today was a period of fast paced socialising & longer periods of serene quiet with episodes of unbridled lust & desire | languid in each others arms & wallowing in a certain kind of masculine sharing | yes, my douglas graced the shores of elba & the lips of the islands prisoner

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always when driving from the airport after our goodbyes | a piece of music will play that cajoles those bittersweet feelings | farewell, distance, intensity of emotional connection, temporary loss | love ... for all it's inadequacy as a word | tears will well up, the taste of salt & I relish in that bittersweet stuff | the melancholia of absence & the joy of return ...

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contributing to the sense of romance & serenity is that spring in tasmania is upon us | that first sense of warm on your back from the sun | the inky blue sky as the sun is setting, promising still summer nights to come ... of sensuous times ahead ... | of eating amongst the beauty & linearity of our somewhat overly designed garden paradise for months on end ... check out da garden at drum house

pathos as physical pain

for 3 years i have put off watching 'brokeback mountain' | a pattern of mine to ignore perceived popular culture experience until i want to consume it | for some reason i came across shorts of the film on youtube & got hooked into the film & bought it mid last week

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strangely i have been seeking a cathartic crying experience for several weeks | not easy being an emotional control freak & i kinda believed that if i watched this film the catharsis would occur & i would experience the needed crying

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putting off watching the film until last night | i hopped into bed & glued myself to the laptop from beginning to end ...

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the result was one of intense physical pain ... in my chest, the oddest feeling of both emotional torture as the observer & of a profoundity that hasn't yet left me | i don't buy into love stories & believe the word is so ridiculously inadequate for the plethora of feelings one can have for another | i actually didn't see it as a love story but as a tragedy so personal, so near experienced by myself, so invisible to the world and such a intimate grief | a real sense of the experience of being an other in the world | & i don't believe that unless one has spent a significant amount of one's life being an óther' that real understanding of the gravity of this pathos occurs

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perhaps some of this is the projection on the film by myself, of the exquisite pain of intense feelings for another & how shockingly close one can be to having that rent asunder by fate or circumstances | all i could think about today is of the monumental & indefinable level of grief i would experience if my man disappeared, died or was taken away from me suddenly | i realise that we are separated physically, often, with occasional re-unions of passion, lust & emotional intensity, most likely all the way through until to the end of 2009 ... perhaps this also contributes

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but to even contemplate that i may never see or be with him again due to some freak of fate | stops me dead in my tracks ... | it is immobilising me & makes all other cares in life seem irrelevant

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i had coffee with my great friend wendy today & she made the observation that her view of us is one of a highly entwined emotional connection that is rarely seen | interestingly enough a number of friends have commented that they would hunt us down & kill us both if we ever broke apart | douglas & i seem to have created some unique phenomena that elicits this fervour of threat by others ... i feel both empowered & frightened & scared | my emotional resilience & my "i am an island" psychological view of self has been significantly dented

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i would have not believed a cinematic experience would lead me in this direction

enjoyment in july

after 4 weeks of this new management role i can finally say i had an enjoyable day | it is a tough assignment ... not the toughest i have had and only 6 months to facilitate so much that i believe needs to be done | am finding some tasmanian government organisations and particularly in this instance seem to be a time machine journey backwards, 15 if not 20 years

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am distinctly missing my man this week, even though i hardly have enough energy after work to mumble more than a few syllables | am missing the physical closeness, the warmth & the hilarity of our day to day lives

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but relief is in sight this weekend as the hairy D touches down on Elba bringing relief, great wine & company the not to be sniffed at, delicious physical pleasures of intimate understanding ... lol ... & enjoyment

birthday men | droo

it was my great mate's birthday a week ago | a mercurial, amusing & handsome fella i have known for not even 2 years yet but who has had an influence on my thinking & life that he is not even aware of | we see each other occasionally as i pass his abode every march & sometimes in melbourne when visiting for male to male or male to many males primal experiences | droo & i share a love for the word cunt & he is the only gen Y fella i really know | i will no doubt spend the rest of my life trying to see inside a gen Y brain, ouch! ... he is the guinea pig | heh droo ... thanks for just being droo

birthday women | janiece

it is my great friend Janiece's birthday this july | we went to Uni together & were both viewed as a bit wacky by most | she is the only person to make me laugh with a mouthful full of cheesecake & the result being a large projectile spray of cheesecake granules & biscuit base over the front window of a neat adelaidean cafe for all on the street & inside the cafe to see | Janiece is my closest link to the Empress Eugenie of France, caus she looks like her love child! lol | happy birthday to such an important friend of which no subject is verbotten & who i miss dreadfully on my island paradise

birthday women | judy

it is my great friend Judy's birthday this july | a former employee who's joie de vive knows no bounds | we clicked the day we met & have been touchstones for each other & helped each other discover that men & careers are a fine balance & that 'teams' in the workplace are a crap concept way past its use by date ... we both believe in benevolent aesthetic facism as a leadership approach | Judy is my only link to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis as she is her love child, true! | happy birthday to JB & much love & affection to a friend who has been so supportive & ready to wisk me off to the latest & grooviest eateries & bars of Melbourne ... miss you awfully